dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
