RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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