Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Apparently you make a good broom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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