I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i believe in u and ur pee
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