I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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