So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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