I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
