we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
