I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he laminated a picture of his dick.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize