I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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