there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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