is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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