I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
