Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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