he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
