He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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