I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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