I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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