I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I am one with the molecules
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
