just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
