You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
