I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
