did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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