she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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