I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
