His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
