for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this hospital has no fireball
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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