I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
