Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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