I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
