So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
