Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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