i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
