I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
