Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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