I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
