Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
