she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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