I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
