i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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