it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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