i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Michael Bay diarrhea
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
