Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
