yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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