dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
