I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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