kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
