So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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