My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
