I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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