May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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