I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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