well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize