i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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