I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
