Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
