Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize