I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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