My nipple is on Facebook.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
