Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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