just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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