barbara walters just said penis...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
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